Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

I’m hunting wabbits…

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

🫡

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.