Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”