Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.