A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why