Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Drilling for oil is well boring.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

That’s classic.

my retirement plan is braless

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.