Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?