A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!