A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
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Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
😎 🍻
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar