Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.