A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Breaking news:
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?