a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars