A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Florida be like…
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
