A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
