A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
You Might Also Like
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.