Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

My dog learned how to text

Only a mother’s love …

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash