A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.