A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
j o i m p
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese