A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.