A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
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My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.