Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

He wanted to make sure😂