A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
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me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.