Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Something Saturday.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”