A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.