A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
No laws when master is gone
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
mom had nothing to worry about
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: