Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names