Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

I hope this email finds you in a well

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.