A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
