A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Can’t stop laughing
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.