Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Still a very good boi….

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

I think this cat is broken

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*