A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Every time.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!