Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

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OMG DAD WAT?
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Dietest Coke

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.