[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
wishing you and yours all the best
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.