A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The Joker was right
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.