A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I love twitter
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.