A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
emergency phone
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.