Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.