Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.