A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Golf would be better with landmines.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.