A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
You Might Also Like
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Unimpressed
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener