A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”