Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.