Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.