Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

Raisins are grape jerky.

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)