a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
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I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”