Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.