A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
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[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Mmmm canned fish.
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If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
This is sending me to another galaxy
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”