Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

the clam before the storm

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs