A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I put the mess in domestic.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet