Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

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In banana years, I am bread.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no