A roof is a house hat.
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need