A roof is a house hat.
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Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.