Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does laundry happen to good people?

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art

😂

Shoo shoo! 😂

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.