Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

Uh oh…

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.