“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
just pretend nothing happened
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?