“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
🤣🤣🤣
reviewed some movies recently
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
early stone age tool
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help