“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
You Might Also Like
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
no way 😭
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward