A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.