A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation