911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
When someone doesn’t answer your text it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore it means they want to kill you
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok
*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!