@AngryRaccoon2

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

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@Reverend_Scott

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

@fro_vo

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

@ajvaage

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

@DothTheDoth

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

@PellMull

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

@SvnSxty

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

@megstalter

When someone doesn’t answer your text it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore it means they want to kill you

@graceupongracie

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!