A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.