A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You Might Also Like
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries