A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Happy Thanksgiving
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.