A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
