A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.