I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.