Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or